What if the things you struggle with are not that hard to replace with something better?

Maybe it’s easier than we think.

I used to believe certain things were just how they were - like my fear of flying, and how I hated public speaking. There were heftier ones too - believing I had to do everything myself, feeling inadequate at certain times, and misunderstood by many of my family members.

These fears and conflicts impacted me a lot. In more ways than I realized. I adjusted myself, avoided situations, made myself small.

Living that way is exhausting, but if we don’t know how to find alternatives, it can feel like the only way.

Get curious about what’s really behind these struggles

Part of my healing journey (as a therapist, I think it’s essential to embrace a healing journey of one’s own) has been to deeply explore what’s behind the things causing me discomfort.

So I did for myself what I teach others to do -

I got still and listened to the stories and beliefs I was carrying. And then I questioned them.

• Is it true that public speaking will be awful? That I will feel stupid and people will think I’m wasting their time? Absolutely not.

• Is it true that I have to be terrified the entire time I’m on a plane? Absolutely not.

• And most importantly, is it true that I am not good enough? Of course not. I know I’m not perfect, but since no one is “unworthy”, that can’t be true for me either.

Questioning old beliefs can bring us new, better perspectives

Here’s how this played out recently in my life - I had a public speaking event (I know!), and I wrote a book (I know!)

Like so many people, I used to dread public speaking. But I was asked to speak at an amazing event, the kind you never want to turn down - to be on a panel at a women’s empowerment luncheon. Practicing the perspective shift I’m suggesting, I questioned my old belief systems - that public speaking is terrifying and awful, and I was able to let it go. Realizing that I’m free to rewrite my approach to public speaking (or anything, really), I decided to gift it to myself as a joyous experience - something I could have fun with, without that pit of dread. And I did - I stopped worrying, and decided to trust my abilities. Once I did that, I had the best time!

I’m not saying this is easy, but it doesn’t have to be terribly complicated. Self-development and healing gets into this weird space sometimes - we hold on to the old way, and hold on, and hold on….until we finally let go. It feels hard, until it doesn’t. And then it feels like a release, a relief, with wonder and amazement at the freedom we always had inside of us, we just didn’t know how to find.

The trick is finding the old belief systems, the old stories keeping them in place, and learning how to replace them.

So let’s walk through it a bit.

Two things you can do:

Start by thinking of something challenging, something you’ve been struggling with. Identify it clearly. Ex: I feel like no one in my family listens to me.

Here’s how we can start to change this:

1. Question the old belief. Is this actually true? Does no one listen to me? Have there been times I can recall when people have listened to me?

Am I contributing to this in some way? Not that I’m responsible for what happened in the past, or people’s current behaviors, but am I bringing something forward that perpetuates this? Expecting to be dismissed, shutting myself down, maybe even shutting other people down without realizing it in order to protect myself?

2. What is a better replacement? Create a statement of what you wish would happen instead. Ex: I want to feel seen, understood and respected by my family.

Here is the important part for building the new approach - can you do for yourself the thing you wish others would do for you? Can you see yourself? Understand and respect yourself?

Once you can start doing that from the inside, the outside shifts quickly.

If you start genuinely seeing yourself, understanding and respecting yourself, you will not allow anything other than that from the world around you. It might take some time, and it can be a bumpy road for a while (some people won’t like it), but if you hold steady within your new perspective, the external dynamic starts to change.

Eventually, what builds is a trust in yourself that is unwavering, that you can lean on. And that replaces those old doubts, fears and whispers of inadequacy.

Look for a continuation on this topic, and why self-trust is a game changer, in a future post coming soon.

If you would like to learn more about decoding the underlying wounds causing your struggles, anxieties, and conflicts look for my new book Where The Cracks Are: How to Decode Your Life and Access Inner Peace coming out soon.

Click here to join the waitlist.

There’s something really special about shame, if you know where to look.

You know those uncomfortable feelings, the ones that make us feel awkward, maybe wonder if we’re good enough, or if we’ve done something off-the-mark? If they bring up the feeling “there might be something wrong with me”…. that’s shame.

Think back to a time you felt this way. You’ll probably notice a story in your head telling you that something about yourself isn’t good enough. Something about your appearance, something you’ve done, something someone said to you.

It doesn’t matter what the story is …. the feeling underneath it is the same. And it’s one of the worst.

Shame is defined as “the feeling there’s something wrong with me.”

On the surface, this feels bad. At a deeper level, it hits a primal chord and feels like a threat to our survival. Generations ago, it was - people with “something wrong with them” often were mistreated, or even exiled. Our nervous systems remember that. So when shame kicks in, our fight-flight-freeze response activates.

Living with shame takes a hard toll on us. In addition to feeling awful, we also feel unsafe. At its most extreme, chronic shame can lower our health (both physical and mental), and create lasting negative effects. Read more at NIH PubMedCentral. For all these reasons, shame is a problem.

But there is a something hidden underneath all those troublesome feeling asking to found...

An answer to the pain of feeling inadequate, not worthy, un-lovable.

Whatever story the shame is telling you about your worth, it’s a lie. One that’s really important to uncover.

How do I know? Because no one is born this way. Babies don’t come into the world questioning if they are worthy of being fed, or held, or loved. Toddlers don’t question if they are too chubby or too skinny, if they’re cute enough to be worthy of love and safety.

Until someone tells them they aren’t.

And that changes everything.

It creates an echo inside of us, a belief system of seeing ourselves as unworthy. The problem with belief systems is that they look for ways to prove they’re right, so we start seeing rejection and inadequacy everywhere, confirming that something is wrong with us after all.

Most of us get very distracted by the shame itself - but we’re missing something – the wound underneath all of that noise asking to be healed.

If we turn our curiosity and attention inward, we can find what matters - that wound. And then we can start to heal. It’s not about the (imagined or not) side-eye glances at our bathing suit on the beach, or the snicker from the valet about our car.

It’s the whispers inside of our own heads, and how they got there that need healing.

Decoding those wounds is where the focus really needs to go. Lovingly, un-doing the harsh words, the rejection and criticism that made us question our worth the first time. And the second. And probably the third. Un-doing the belief that we’re not worthy of love or safety.

All that noise about our appearance, our success, what someone said or did – those are just the symptoms. And they’re trying to get your attention, hoping you will finally see what you’ve been missing.

So the next time you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, doubting yourself, wondering if you’re good enough - stop. Turn your focus within and look for the wounded part. Listen with curiosity to the stories it’s telling you, and think back to when that first started (you were probably very young).

Spend some time there – with this part of you that holds the pain. Don’t run or shut it down. If you can, stay with the wounded part, understanding the hurt they’ve been carrying for so long. And all the ways they’ve braced themselves, protected themselves, even shamed themselves. And start un-doing all of that.

Once a upon a time you did not doubt yourself. You believed in yourself and your worth. That’s still in there.

If you would like to learn more about decoding the underlying wounds causing your struggles, anxieties, and conflicts look for my new book Where The Cracks Are: How to Decode Your Life and Access Inner Peace coming out soon.

Click here to join the waitlist.

Have you been sensing for a while that something is missing?

That there must be more behind your frustrations, a deeper meaning for life, and solutions that don’t require being hard on yourself? You’re not mistaken. Those feelings are whispers letting you know that there is great wisdom within you, and answers to all you’re wishing for.

I am excited and honored to share a pathway towards it.

A few years ago, completely unannounced, the concept for a book landed in my awareness. Not just a part, but the entire thing. It was exciting, inspiring, and utterly overwhelming - therapy I know how to do, but writing a book felt like too much. How does that even happen? So I resisted it.

But the book kept calling.

And calling. Revealing itself to me in conversations, or in sessions with clients. I’d find myself thinking “yes, that’s what the book’s about”, or “that book could be helpful if it were written”. After doing that for several months, along with a few instances of “I’m writing a book about that” popping unexpectedly out of my mouth, I realized the decision was already made and the journey of writing began.

The past year has been a labor of love bringing this book forward, and now it’s time to share it with all of you.

Where The Cracks Are

The book guides us through understanding ourselves more fully, with self-compassion and curiosity, and equips us with tools to discover the true root causes beneath our deepest struggles.

Through decoding our most challenging patterns, relationships, and difficulties, we discover how to find freedom, peace, and joy, and how to return to our true selves.

Coming forward at a time when so many people are looking for genuine authenticity, meaning, and fulfillment, but finding that difficult to access, Where The Cracks Are helps us read the map towards all that we’re seeking.

This book is a guide to help you find the path to knowing and embracing yourself more deeply than you ever have before, to find deep joy and peace, and possibly even the adventures you dream of awaiting you. By the end of the book, you will be able to see that every painful or difficult struggle has been part of the map leading you towards rediscovering yourself with inner peace and joy.

- excerpt from Where The Cracks Are

Stay tuned for the release date and more details on Where The Cracks Are, and be sure to sign up for my substack account Everybody Needs A Therapist to get the latest information on all upcoming events!

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How often do we take moments to pause? To listen?

Being flooded by our demanding world, what goes quietly missing, almost without notice is the stillness, and that matters. A lot. It’s where the magic happens. It’s where we heal, and how we grow.

What we find in those quiet spaces is our inner voice, our connection to deeper wisdom, intuition, and information on what needs healing and what comes next.

What we also find is our edge

The space where all that’s familiar is behind us, and what’s ahead is awkward, new, strange, and maybe a bit scary.

Courage is required here, a willingness to leap into the unknown. Trusting ourselves even though we might have nothing else to go on.

And isn’t that what we’ve always done, since taking that first breath, and all the countless unknowns that have followed - first steps, making friends, catching the ball, singing out loud…believing in ourselves?

I see that willingness as sacred.

Something magical happened to me recently in the stillness - an insight about our human journey and the things we struggle with the most. This awareness has been formed over many years, through my work as a therapist, and through my own self-healing journey.

And so I’m here leaping into an unknown, trusting myself, and sharing that with all of you.

I’m excited to announce that I’ve been pouring my heart into writing a book which will be released soon!

If you’re interested in understanding yourself more, decoding the things you struggle with the most, and uncovering your own wisdom, this book is for you.

We will look at what’s waiting for you in the stillness, including the insight and answers to help you live with more peace, joy and fulfillment. not by pushing yourself harder, but by embracing parts you might have lost or forgotten long ago.

In the next few weeks I will share more details as I put final touches on the book, and several very exciting things coming up!

In the meantime, I’m still doing therapy, and I love it - holding space for brave souls courageous enough to face their edge.

If you’ve ever been one of my clients, please never doubt for a moment how much I cheer you all on from my seat in the therapy room.

Coming soon, we will have another way to work together in addition to therapy - through the book, and other linked materials that I hope you’ll find transformative and meaningful.

Make sure you’re subscribed to Everyone Needs A Therapist so that you can learn about what’s coming up, get behind-the-scenes peeks, and be among the first to know about release dates, and some fun events!

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Everyone wants answers, downloads, information.

And they want it quickly. I do too.

Yes, insights, tips, suggestions, validation are all valuable and part of the healing process. But therapy isn’t that. It’s much more.

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At its core, therapy is a relationship.

A connection with another human, safely sharing space with you and your feelings. Warmth. Genuine positive regard. A certain type of love.

Our nervous systems, which tell us if we’re safe or not, are wired to co-regulate.

In the room with a safe person, someone who can hold calmness, wisdom, compassion for us, our nervous systems relax.

Not because of a download, but because the human part of us recognizes that we’re safe alongside another human. And most of us on self-healing journeys didn’t get that growing up.

This can’t be bypassed. It can’t be programmed into tech.

Humans are sacred, connection is sacred, and so is good therapy.

AI is an amazing tool in many ways, and it can be part of self-healing. But that layer where our deepest wounds lie can’t heal in a vacuum or with a screen (I don’t mean zoom with a live human). It has to be witnessed, held, felt, honored in ways a machine can’t.

And if this feels uncomfortable, maybe that’s the point.

Maybe the discomfort is a symptom showing you that the thing which needs healing is the human-to-human connection.

If it feels too slow, maybe that’s also a symptom showing you that it’s not about the end result or getting there quickly. Maybe what needs healing is patience, self-acceptance, learning how to be with what is.

No one said being human wouldn’t be uncomfortable. So don’t expect it to be. Discomfort doesn’t necessarily mean something’s wrong, it might just mean you’re growing.

If this resonated with you, and you would like more content like this please hit the subscribe button.

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There’s a hard truth about Mother’s Day that causes a lot of anguish but is often over looked…

On a day we’re expected to joyfully celebrate mothers and women, we need to create space for those of us raised by toxic or emotionally immature parents.

While we’ve all been reminded (rightfully so) of those struggling because of grief or loss, the survivors of painful childhoods are forgotten, and they struggle in unique ways.

If this is you, you might be feeling triggered and without a place for your emotions to land.

Being called upon to perform in self-abandoning, inauthentic ways is painful and deeply triggering. You could find yourself feeling sad, confused, anxious and angry, but alone, blamed, shamed, and definitely pressured.

Even shopping for a Mother’s Day card can bring up strong emotions.

Denying our pain and grief registers as a threat to our nervous systems and throws us into fight-flight-freeze.

If you’re experiencing any of this, please pause –

• Recognize that what you’re feeling is valid, makes sense, and needs to honored.

• Acknowledge your grief and give it a safe space inside of you to be felt without judgement.

• Give yourself permission to respect your needs and boundaries, even if they’re not understood or supported by others.

• Seek support, safety and gentleness today.

And if someone you love is going through this, be a safe person for them to exhale and know they can simply feel without having to explain.

When my spectacular friend, mentor, publicist Sarah Stone told me (strongly urged me) to consider Substack my honest reaction was “No….I don’t want that. We’re back to blogs??”

I was so wrong.

Since you’re here, you already know what I didn’t – the truth about what Substack offers. Before you swipe away, wait…this is not a plug for Substack. This is about anxiety, authenticity, and honoring your pacing and your nervous system.

As our world has quickly become one of bombardment and hidden demand, our nervous systems are left in a perpetual state of fight-or-flight whether we realize it or not – bracing, filtering, reacting. Even pumping gas is an assault on our stillness –screens at each pump talking at us, telling us words-of-the-day, the latest news, marketing pitches.

Being forced into constant reaction-mode keeps us depleted, uncertain, and anxious. When our sensory input has to remain tuned to the external world, we can’t hear our inner voice clearly, if at all. This is not inconsequential.

Our inner voice is where our truth lies, our authenticity, our wisdom, our intuition. It’s how we access ideas, insight, epiphanies, creativity. It’s also how our nervous systems release, repair, and re-set.

We access it through silence, stillness, connection with ourselves, our rhythm, our bodies.

It’s no wonder anxiety is rampant, loneliness is high. Confusion is too. Through social media we’re offered what appears like a way to feel connected, to be heard, seen and affirmed…but what we’re left with doesn’t match up.

The remedy to the anxiety, the dysregulated nervous systems, the confusion and loneliness is to reconnect with ourselves.

Find ways to slow down the external stimulus. Quiet the noise, the bombardment, the relentless information, demands, offers, opinions, comparisons all telling you what you need, what you should feel, who you should be. Ultimately, they are all simply demands for your attention, and leave you empty.

Find the stillness and the rhythm within yourself. Connect with your breath. Connect with nature. Connect with your creativity. Don’t worry about the outcome, the productivity or performance. Connect with your body – walk, move, dance, exercise. Lay in the grass and watch the clouds.

In these ways, Substack is a choice to step out of the constant barrage of stimulation and demand. Reintroducing a slower process that is more intentional, more choiceful, allows the brain to remember how to take in information, digesting and transmuting it into something meaningful. Allowing the nervous system to slow down and know that it is safe.

By all means, use social media when you want to. I love a good dessert-made-from-cauliflower recipe, or tips on reducing forehead wrinkles. I really love some of the content from mental health or spiritual and self-development mentors I respect. But make social media choiceful. Allow it to work for you, rather than suck you in. Put limits on it. And definitely be sure to spend more time in the company of yourself than in front of a screen.